


Allow Me Peace, I Beg

by luckybear



Series: Dawn of Gold [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Infinity War Part One, Fix-It, Hurt Loki, Hurt Steve, M/M, Steve POV, Steve/Loki - Freeform, not very hopeful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 07:58:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17321060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckybear/pseuds/luckybear
Summary: After everything has happened, after the snap, after thousands upon thousands of people become nothing but dust, Steve Rogers has an unexpected visitor.





	Allow Me Peace, I Beg

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, been a while. 
> 
> This will be a series, I plan to really keep up with this one. 
> 
> Graphic description of violence only because Loki details his death a bit. 
> 
> Enjoy.

It was so strange, for him to be sitting here on some beaten up couch, in a small New York apartment that only cost 350 a month. It wasn’t worth much more than that. Steve surveyed the walls with chipped paint and ripped wallpaper, the carpet that still smelled of old cat hair and dog piss from what must have been the previous owner. The tiny kitchen with a small one door refrigerator and old microwave. 

There was no TV, there was no music, there was only the sound of New York movement coming from outside that never ceased. Even now, after everything, the noise never stopped. 

Steve’s heart pulled as he thought of Bucky, of Wanda, of T’Challa, and everyone else who was simply... gone. Just gone. 

He sighed, clenching his fingers into a fist of anger. That was all he had anymore, was just anger. Thanos won. He won, and Steve just didn’t understand. How could this happen? 

Really, to Steve, the hardest part to comprehend was that they lost. It hurt more, knowing they lost, than knowing Thanos won. Technically, they were the same thing, but something about the words “we lost” really stabbed at his heart to the point he couldn’t breathe past the pain. 

He missed Bucky. More than anything. 

As he sat there remembering all the drinks he and Bucky shared, all the missions they accompanied each other on, he heard a rumble from the bedroom off to the side only big enough to fit a twin sized bed. 

He tensed, sitting up slightly. Maybe it was nothing, just his imagination. 

But no, he heard more rumbling and he thought, “someone is in here with me.”

He stood, slowly, quietly, and carefully made his way to his bedroom door. And then he heard ragged breathing from the other side and his heart clenched with fear, but also longing. Because, what if somehow it was Bucky?

He knew that was far fetched. 

He was about to put his hand on the knob and open the door, but when he saw it twist on its own he allowed the intruder to show themselves. 

It was not at all who he was expecting. 

The image of Loki now compared to the image of him all those years ago attacking New York were not at all the same. This Loki was pale, thin, sweat sheeting his features as if exhausted. By the looks of it he was. 

Loki looked back at him, eyes almost frightened, but determined. They were shot red. Steve saw him swallow, and he noticed the bruising along the god’s neck. Loki licked his lips, and took a deep breath. 

Steve didn’t say a word. He wasn’t scared. 

Loki swallowed again, but this time it looked as if with great difficulty. Now that Steve really saw, he looked gaunt with pain. His jaw clenched like he fighting off discomfort. 

Loki opened his chapped lips then, and spoke. “Please, don’t panic.”

Steve’s heart was pounding, because what the hell was going on? How was Loki here? Thor said he died. 

And oh, God, Thor. Does Thor know? Is Loki actually even here right now or was this his imagination? Did he think this whole thing a joke and fake his death again?

“Steve Rogers, am I correct?” Loki’s voice was awful; graveled with pain. 

“What’s going on?” Steve finally asked.

Loki looked at him, biting his lip. He licked them again before speaking. “I’m not sure.”

“Liar,” Steve said. 

Loki swallowed once more. “I’m not sure,” he repeated. 

Steve looked at his neck again, gesturing to it. “What happened?”

Loki looked confused, but when he saw Steve gesturing to his throat, Loki’s pale, too thin hand slowly made his way to the skin on this neck. “I... died.”

Steve blinked. “Right,” he said. “So... how-“

“I don’t know,” Loki rasped, slightly panicked. “I don’t know.”

Steve wasn’t sure what to do. But what he said wasn’t exactly what he thought he’d say. “You want some tea?” 

Loki looked up at him, his hand falling down to his side again. “Okay,” he replied, but it didn’t sound like Loki was really there. 

...

Steve made Loki some hot Earl Grey tea and offered him a blanket when he saw he was shivering slightly. Loki sat on a lounger by the window, knees pulled up to his chest, blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He seemed to be looking at nothing. 

“Here,” Steve offered the tea, but Loki didn’t seem to notice. He offered again, heart clenching at the broken god in his living room. “Loki?”

Loki jumped, seeing the steaming cup of tea in front of him, and smiled a small smile, accepting it. The smile didn’t seem right. He took a sip and resumed his gaze into nothing. 

Steve sat himself on the couch, examining Loki. He remembered a time when Loki was throwing punches at him in Germany. But now, seeing this, Steve knew just how much damage Thanos had done to everyone, including Loki. 

He almost wished Loki was throwing punches at him. It was better than... well, this. 

Steve cleared his throat. “Loki,” he said, and surprisingly Loki looked up. “Can you try explaining a bit. I’m really... lost here.”

Loki didn’t say anything for a moment, but then Steve saw him nod, setting his tea on the table next to him. Loki cleared his own throat then. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand either.”

Don’t apologize, he thought. It was wrong, somehow. “Thor said you died.”

“I did,” Loki whispered, and he realized dawned at his face at Steve’s slightly angered expression. “I didn’t fake that,” he defended. 

“Okay, then how are you here?”

Loki swallowed, looking frightened for a moment. “I just woke up.”

“Where?”

Loki closed his red-shot eyes, trying to jog his memory, Steve thought. “An alley, I think. I’m not sure.”

Steve nodded. “Okay, how did you get in my apartment?”

Loki cleared his throat again. “When I woke up, I thought I was in Hel. I was dazed, I was confused, I still am, anyway. But...” he stopped, taking a deep breath. “When I heard the sound of your Midgardian vehicles I knew I was somehow... not dead.”

Steve wanted to ask why he thought he was in Hel, but he figured he almost knew. 

“Ok...” Steve agreed, confused. “But how did you-“

“I tried teleporting, or rather that’s what I call it where you will understand, it’s not actually teleporting, teleporting is impossible, a phenomenon named such by humans because they don’t understand.”

“Okay, Loki, just...”

Loki looked at him, shaking his head. “My apologies. I mean to say, I teleported here.”

“Why? How did you even know I lived here?”

“I didn’t.”

Steve exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Loki, you’re not making sense.”

Loki sighed, licking his lips. “When I woke, I felt a great sadness, and I followed it.”

Steve’s heart clenched. He took a deep breath. “Why,” he exhaled. 

Loki shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “It was the first emotion I felt when I woke up other than...” he stopped, shaking his head. 

Steve didn’t push, but he had an idea. “Okay, so, you didn’t actually seek me out?”

“No.”

Steve wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t sure what to even do. “Thor,” was all he could say. He physically saw Loki flinch at the name, and he saw those thin fingers clench the blanket so hard his knuckles turned white. “Loki, it’s ok. He’s ok.” He wasn’t sure why he was comforting this man. Come on, he was a wanted war criminal, he killed many people in his little tantrum. 

But, now it almost seemed like none of that mattered. 

“I know he is,” Loki whispered. “Or at least, that was my objective.”

Steve frowned then. “How do you mean?”

“I’m sure he’s told you.” 

He has, Steve thought. But I want to hear you say it. “Tell me anyway.”

Loki’s tired eyes glanced at him. “We were on a refugee ship, after Hela attacked our realm. We stole it from Sakaar. By we, I mean the remaining Asgardians that were left after the battle, which were very few,” Loki’s voice faltered, but he kept going. “Our main focus was to come here, to Midgard, in hopes you would accept us as refugees in needing of assistance. We didn’t have much else, or anywhere else to go.

“But we didn’t make it.”

He stopped then, and Steve gave him a good minute and a half before speaking up. “Tell me, Loki.” His voice was gentle, but determined. 

Loki closed his eyes, as if reliving it. “His ship came out of nowhere,” he opened them again. “He attacked us. Our ship was not meant for war or battle, and so we fell quickly. He was there, then, walking over my people’s corpses like they were nothing, like garbage,” he spoke through clenched teeth. “It’s a blur to me now, but I know he started hurting my brother for the Tesseract, and I...”

“You gave it to him,” Steve finished. Loki looked at him then, scared. “I don’t blame you.”

Loki blinked, as if shocked Steve would say such a thing. He didn’t question it though. “Somewhere in the mix there was a fight between Banner’s beast and him.”

Steve couldn’t help but notice Loki’s lack of using Thanos’ name. “That’s when he killed you.”

Loki flinched, and suddenly the bruises on his neck were very visible to Steve. They looked ugly. Purples, blues, and grays painting his skin like a canvas. “Yes,” Loki replied. 

Steve became increasingly aware then, about how Loki might not know what all has happened since he died. And Steve wasn’t sure if he should tell him or not. 

At that, as if Loki read his mind, he spoke up. “Tell me he didn’t win...” he whispered. Steve looked at him, and Loki looked back, but Loki’s gaze held fear, pain, anger, and sadness all at once. “Please...”

Steve’s heart broke, a bit. He almost didn’t want to say anything, because Jesus, it seemed like Loki has had enough for one night. But he also knew Loki asked, no, begged. “I’m sorry...” he breathed. “He won.” Loki’s breath trembled then, and he looked down. “Loki, listen, there’s still hope.”

Loki just shook his head. 

Steve didn’t speak again. He wasn’t sure there was hope at all either. 

...

Later that night, Steve fixed Loki up in his bedroom to sleep, and Steve took the couch. He wasn’t exactly sure either of them would sleep or not. But at least they were both resting. 

He lay on the couch, thinking about everything that has happened. He wasn’t sure leaving Loki alone in Steve’s own room was exactly... safe, but judging by Loki’s appearance, Steve didn’t expect Loki could attack if he wanted to. And he also didn’t think he wanted to either. 

He thought back to the things Loki said. Steve couldn’t imagine after just losing many of his people, only to lose even more. He wondered how many Asgardians were left. He thought to ask Loki, but Loki probably wouldn’t know. 

Loki had said, he thought he was in Hel when he woke. That really made Steve think. Did Loki regret what he did? All those years ago, here in New York? Or did he just know he was doing injustice and expected Hel anyways. 

Where was Loki, during everything? Before he woke?

Steve had many questions, too many to count. But if he bombarded Loki with questions now, he wasn’t sure if it would scare Loki off. Not that he had anywhere to go, but that wouldn’t stop him, Steve thought. 

He wished, then, that Thor was here. After the snap, people just went their own separate ways, numb and confused. Because how could this have happened? 

The only one unaccounted for was Tony. And Steve didn’t want to think about where he could be? No one knew if he was dead or alive. It ate at Steve’s skin every night. Tony used to be his friend. But ever since he found out about Bucky, and the Sokovia Accords, Steve lost him. And Tony lost Steve. 

Steve fell asleep, not sure what to do when he woke up. 

...

When Steve woke the next morning, he thought to go make coffee for him and Loki to drink. But when his eyes opened, he saw Loki sitting in the same chair he was last night, watching Steve. 

Steve tensed slightly, but acted nonchalant. He sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Morning,” was all he said.

Loki hummed. 

Steve yawned, stretching. He took a good look at Loki. “You look better,” he said, gesturing to his throat. And he did. The bruises were way less ugly than the night before, and his eyes were no longer shot red. 

“I suppose I heal fast,” Loki’s voice sounded no better, however. “I don’t know why I woke wounded...” he muttered. 

“What do you mean?” Loki looked up at him, shaking his head. Steve wanted to know what he meant, but again, pushing Loki wasn’t a good idea right now. Steve cleared his throat. “Coffee,” he offered. 

Loki nodded. 

Steve got up to make coffee.

...

When they each had their own cup and were seated across each other once more, Steve spoke up. “So...” ended up being it. 

Loki looked at him, dumbfounded. “Speak your mind.”

Steve bit his lip, hesitating. He wasn’t sure what his mind wished to speak. “I’m sorry, I’m just...”

Loki breathed out what Steve suspected was supposed to be a laugh. “Likewise,” he said. He looked exhausted. 

Steve sighed. “Can we talk about Thor,” he asked, but it was said with caution. 

He saw Loki twitch, and he was sure Loki wouldn’t respond, but with a very small voice, he said “yes.” 

Steve wet his lips before asking. “Do you know where he is?” God, how he hoped he did. But then he saw Loki’s face physically change to despair at the knowledge that no, Loki didn’t know where Thor was. And dammit, the returning look on Loki’s face: “do you? please tell me you do. I can’t do this. I need him. I would never say it aloud but dammit I need him.”

Steve was positive his heart literally bled then. “I don’t know either, I’m sorry. We don’t really know where he went. Really, after everything, we all went our own separate ways. I don’t really know where anyone is, maybe other than Clint. But I haven’t heard from him.”

Loki frowned, recognition drawing on his face. “Barton,” he exhaled. Steve saw it, then. He saw something in Loki, and it wasn’t necessarily regret. But it was something. 

“Yeah,” Steve replied. “He was staying with his family. He lives-“

“On a farm, with his wife and kids, yes.” Steve blinked. Of course Loki would know. He forgot, a bit. 

“Yeah,” he said again. 

Silence ensued once more, and Steve saw Loki shift uncomfortably. It took maybe five minutes for Loki to break it. “You’re waiting for me to say it...”

Steve’s brows pulled together in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“I won’t say it.”

“Say what, Loki?”

Loki flinched, for what seemed probably the umpteenth time since he showed up in his apartment last night. “Nothing,” and he looked down. 

“Loki,” he started, but what was he supposed to say? Maybe this: “are you okay?”

Loki frowned, still looking down, and he saw him blink. “Pardon?”

“Look, we have our differences, obviously. I mean, clearly I don’t forget, no, I can’t forget what you did. You attacked our planet, Loki, you killed a lot of people that day. 

“But, after all of this, after everything,” he stopped, and he saw he had Loki’s full attention, but the look on his face was raw, exposed, showing surprise and pain and fear that Steve didn’t know how to absorb. “We’re all changed, after this. We’re all different, and we’re all... scarred. 

“So, I’m asking, not as an enemy getting intel on his rival, but as a person, a person also affected, if you are ok.” 

Loki didn’t speak for a moment, but what he did do, made Steve tense a little bit. Loki started laughing. It was silent, but his shoulder shook with laughter and Steve swore he almost saw tears in his eyes. “Am I okay,” Loki repeated when he was done, a little breathless. “That might just be the funniest thing I’ve heard since I was woken from my peace.”

Steve was taken aback. “Why is that funny?”

“Am I okay? You want to know if I am ok?” His voice rose. 

“Well, yeah, of course I do.”

Loki spoke then, but it was fast, frantic, and Steve thought he looked a little crazed. “I just had my home planet destroyed by my crazy sister where we were then doomed to float about space to find our way here with less than a fraction of what my people’s population was, only then to lose even more by the Titan’s attack on us. 

“I just had to watch my brother be tortured for me to give that damn beast the Tesseract, the thing I took for the very purpose to keep it away from him. I just had to watch our gatekeeper have a sword thrust through his middle,” Steve saw his posture become aggressive, angry. There was no longer a smile, just pure rage. “I just had my neck snapped, and I still remember it, I remember it so clearly. His giant hand wrapped around my throat, squeezing and squeezing until I had no air left, nothing to cling to but the thought of Thor getting out alive. Bone, snapping in half, death looming over me like an angel, except it wasn’t...” he quieted down then, and Steve saw how fresh this wound was. 

“It wasn’t an angel. It was terrifying, and what’s even more terrifying, is that no matter what I do, how hard I try to do good for once, to be a hero, it’s taken away from me.”

Steve’s heart was clenching, clenching so tight he almost wondered if it was somewhat similar to what Loki felt, but no, not even close. 

“Why am I alive,” Loki’s voice broke then. Steve saw tears swelling then, and coming from Loki, who once was at least a determined, confident god, just felt wrong. “Why can’t I just be at peace?” 

Steve opened his mouth to reply, but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. He closed his mouth, jaw clenching. He looked at Loki’s shaking hands, squeezing the mug of coffee he still somehow held until his already pale knuckles looked pure white. 

A small, single tear slowly slid down Loki’s cheek. “I’m sorry,” Loki whispered.

Steve shook his head. “No, it’s...” what? What was it? “Loki, it’s ok. I understand. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

Loki shook his head too. “No, you didn’t, I just...” he took a deep breath. “And you, Captain? Are you okay?”

Taken aback by the question, Steve looked for an answer. Which seemed obvious. No, he wasn’t okay. But Loki was actually asking, and it seemed genuine. “I’m... figuring things out.”

“How,” Loki declared. 

A lump formed in Steve’s throat, because Loki wasn’t having a small conversation, he was asking because Loki wanted to know if he could “figure things out too.” “I just, keep going. I lost people, in this fight, and I lost my best friend. But, I know, deep down, that they want me to keep going; fight for justice.”

Loki frowned. “How do we fight? There’s nothing, we have nothing.”

Loki sounded so broken, so hopeless that Steve’s heart felt a hundred pounds heavy. “I really don’t have a solution. I’m sorry. I wish I knew what to say.”

The gaze in Loki’s eyes crushed. He swallowed, running his hand over his face. “What do we do now?”

Steve really didn’t know.


End file.
